stream of cautiousness

This week, I had finals. And now, I'm done.

I've come to a couple conclusions. I don't know what I want to do in life , and I don't think I ever will. That kind of decision just isn't possible for me. What confidence one would have to have to make such a claim. But it's not just I lack confidence in my abilities, as in "I'm a big wussy-pants." I lack the confidence that the decisions I make today will be one's I will agree with tomorrow. Agree with? I don't know if that's right. Actually, decisions seems kinda broad too. I think I mean those big decisions, the big decisions that have to do with career paths, like what I want to do with my life. I lack the confidence that the career I pick will be something I really care about. And God forbid, I do something I don't really care about. cause then it would just be a job, for the money's sake. And what if the money doesn't motivate me. Then I won't do my job, and then I won't get the money. Then the world will know what I lazy, apathetic ass I am.
So what it sounds like to me is I'm too afraid to make decisions, because if I do then I've committed to trying to succeed at something. and I'm not sure that I'll always feel like succeeding. And when a point comes when I don't feel like it I might stop trying, which would obviously impede my succeeding and thus result in the opposite of success. Which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that ones failures, more often than not, affect others.

seriously? This is my post? Somebody needs to hang out with friends more often. Somebody needs to get more involved in church. Somebody needs to not being blogging in a dark room by himself.

a reminder

for me, not you. What? you think this blog is for you?

"I will love school like a long lost friend. I will kiss the ground it is built on. I will build. I want to build, I want to educate, I want to learn, I want to have done this 3 years ago with the rest of my friends. I want to go to seminary. My happiest work was reading at diedrechs with coffee in hand, preparing lessons for the college and young adults groups. I liked it completely selfishly. It gave me an excuse to teach my self a thing or two. Maybe someone else learned something to.

I will be a Teacher/Pastor/builder. I want to feel my work with every part of me.

I love music, but sometimes I feel like I'm holding on to a dream. I just don't wanna let down the 12 year old me. Maybe I was meant to be the 40 year old picker doing worship every week. And maybe that isn't as sad as it sounds, cause in 15 years I will care even less what you think."

I wrote that a while back.

Sometimes I feel a huge pressure like time is crushing me. The future can be very oppressive. My words are like an anchor to the past. They keep the clocks at bay. They encourage me.

Marathon

Today, many peoples will run past me. I will be inspired make self claims to run next year, money will be raised to cure death in all forms, and the peoples will be filled with a sense of accomplishment, pride, and sleepyness. Many good things come from Marathons in your city. the best part, 40 year old sub par rockers sound checking black sabbath at 8:30 in the morning, 150 yards from sleepy heads. oh wait! What's this I hear? Could it be? It is. Kiss!

"Shout it, Shout it, Shout it out loud!"

Marathon

This morning I woke up and looked out my window. People where running. K and I walked down the road. We saw a friend from work. He was running. We waved and clapped and went to breakfast. We ate and others ran. Some walked. All rubbed their various parts with vasiline. We ate. After breakfast we sat at the bus stop. They were still running. They were inspiring. They were going places. Next year I want to run.

love and hate

My californication began 11 years ago. I was 15 and going in to high school. I hated it. I was scared of their spiky blonde hair, billabong clothes and flip flops. I'd just stick to my curly mushroom head of hair, my flannel shirt and my hi-tec hiking boots, thank you. Once, I think I even sported a tye-dye, which soon after was thrown into hiding till I found my courage again. This courage was replaced with pride, a pride in the mother land. I was a stubborn little Virginia kid, and would not be infected by the disease of the California trend. I began to love my hate for this dude of a state. As high school went on I some how made friends, and this identity began to slip, a little. This love/hate tension has continued to this day. And on this particular day I don't want to be here any more. I want to move. I want take my wife in our little red civic and explore this great country. Of course we'll have plenty of time for that once were done with school and all that. What could possibly get in our way! Right?

unemployment: session 1

I have quit my job, and lets face it, amongst the many legitimate excuses I will not bore you with, the reason to quit at this moment is, I want to go to hawaii. Today is thursday, we leave on monday. This is the first day of my unemployment. Let us see how i use my time.

7:13- woke up, went for a run.
I'm slow, I'm weak. I ran around the block. I had to stop early. I couldn't go any further.
I made it through 5 songs.
1. Tie up my hands; Starsailor
2. Lady Day; Richard Swift
3. Love Rescue Me; U2
4. Monday; Wilco
5. Pictures of Me; Elliot Smith

8:00- Charles Gibson screaming Bombs under London.
I'll go check my email.
Dennis is our Sourthern Terrorist.

9:15- find myself watching Regis and Kelly, they're so silly! Turn it off.
Read The Book
9:36- Go online, Cerritos.edu. I automatically type blogger.com.
here I am, listening to my Ipod at low volume, singing along to see how I sound. I used to think I sounded good. Sometimes I still do.

10:05- Apply to Cerritos
10:15- Go to Office Depot to purchase paper to print page that says "print this page"
11:04- Print that page.

12:15- walk down 2nd street for a hair cut, stop in fingerprints and pickup 2 musical ventures. chat with dan at polly's
1:15- get a haircut. walk home.
3:30- back on the computer check mail, my yahoo, blogger

Now what? I think I'll read.

T-minus2

July 6th will be my last day of employment at Mosaic.

In one month...

I will get to quit my job for free!

I am now at -3.25 hours of PTO (paid time off). This is a great improvement from the -50 hrs I started the year at. This means that in a month from now, when I plan to quit, I will be at 7 hours of PTO. Therefore, I will not owe my money for paid vacations I haven't earned when I leave, allowing me to quit my job for free! Almost as great as roll-over minutes...

I will love school like a long lost friend. I will kiss the ground it is built on. I will build. I want to build, I want to educate, I want to learn, I want to have done this 3 years ago with the rest of my friends. I want to go to seminary. My happiest work was reading at diedrechs with coffee in hand, preparing lessons for the college and young adults groups. I liked it completely selfishly. It gave me an excuse to teach my self a thing or two. Maybe someone else learned something to.

I will be a Teacher/Pastor/builder. I want to feel my work with every part of me.

I love music, but sometimes I feel like I'm holding on to a dream. I just don't wanna let down the 12 year old me. Maybe I was meant to be the 40 year old picker doing worship every week. And maybe that isn't as sad as it sounds, cause in 15 years I will care even less what you think. And hopefully I'll be able to say the same of myself.